A man in relation to his natural child or children.
The first time I was raped by my father, I was 11 years old. I didn’t know what to do except try to commit suicide. But then I stopped-realizing that if I killed myself, I could go to hell for murder. Things got progressively so bad over the years, the idea of suicide was the best option. I tried and kept trying anyway. After not being successful for two years, a thought came that God must have something for great for my life to allow me to go through this.
I grew up as one of the middle children in a very large family. We lived in an urban city, as a result, I was well acquainted with "the struggle." My mom worked multiple jobs to get us the extra things we needed. She was always at work. Always tired...my father mentally and emotionally abused her for years.
My dad created a warped view of life and family at home. On an individual level, we were all were going through multiple forms of abuse from him. We rarely spoke to each one about it, and were usually at odds with each other. He would tell lies amongst the sisters and pit us against each other. He would lie to my mother about us as well. Why he needed to beat so-and so. Or why he was extreme w ith this child; and threatened to do worse if she interfered with his discipline tactics.
They say the first education you receive is from your home. The first teachers are your parents, and if you have siblings, they are the teacher’s aides. My early childhood was not terrible. But after 6, I learned from my father that I was his “funny looking child”. I was not his favorite daughter, I was picked on at school. But at home it was even worse. My mother would object to him publicly humiliating me in front of family or strangers. But my dad said he was trying to toughened me up for the world. He was helping me out. I was pretty young, and only knew that what he did was hurting me from the inside, and my mom was trying to stop him. Years later the effects of verbal abuse and projecting a false identity would show up in my life in ways I would never have imagined.
As a kid, I knew my place. I was to be quiet and keep getting decent grades. I consistently scored the top 1 percent nationally on standardized tests. I was an honor student, recruited by national and international universities for gifted programs and additional testing. I was responsible at home, in charge of the younger four children. I was a Christian girl. We went to church regularly and I was baptized and filled with the Holy Ghost by the age of 9. This was the largest unbroken piece of my identity. Everything else inside me was shattered or an illusion. Growing and developing in abuse caused me not only mental and physical issues, but spiritual ones as well.
While my dad verbally and mentally abused me, the emotionally abandoned me, and verbally abused me up until 11. The sexual abuse was nothing I could’ve imagined. On good days, he would treat me normal and speak and be kind to me, then sexually abuse or rape me. On bad days, he would yell and verbally put me down. Try to find a reason why I needed an occasional head bashing or restricted grounding from going outside. My father also slept with street women. I didn’t know it at the time, but at 13 I told my mom my concerns of having an STD and wanting to get tested. I told her general things that my father was doing to me. He would lie and rationalized things to my mom, or threaten her with his actions or possible outcomes that would ensue if she did take a stand against him.
Inside, I felt like he not only controlled my mind, but my identity and body. I showed signs of schizophrenia, extreme depression, multiple personality disorder. Sexual abuse opened every aspect of who I was, my body, my mind, and my spirit. I remember years of spiritual and mental torment. Things that don’t make sense when written. At the age of 14 I was diagnosed with an incurable auto-immune disease. My organs were being affected. I was in a stage of kidney failure and had bone damage.
My family has been through the fire. The sexual abuse stopped when I was 15 after drastic events. One of my sister confronted my dad that she had a boyfriend. She was “his favorite daughter” and my dad attempted to strangle her. DCFS became involved, my parents separated (but not divorced). It took many many years for my personal healing. God is still doing the work. My healing started with forgiving my father. For hurting not only me, but every one I loved. My parents are still married. I learned to love my father. Forgiveness is something we all need, and is something I still practice in my relationship with my dad.
Note from the your Apostolic Fly Girl-
As I read this brave survivor's story I am feel such a mixture of emotion. I feel anger, hurt, sorrow and confusion as to why God would place her in such a place. However I am also reminded, as she stated, "Forgiveness is something we all need." This young woman is still on her journey to healing and wholeness. After speaking with her, she states that ultimately God is her Father. He is her vindicator, her healer, and her strength.
Watching her you would never have guessed that she experienced such horrors. She is a women's ministry leader, gifted intercessor, bible study teacher, public speaker, and a phenomenal mother. God has truly given her beauty for her ashes.
If you can relate to her story in anyway please remember it is not in God's will for you to succumb to abuse. His word says that he desires us to "prosper and be in GOOD health even as our souls prosper." If you are currently being abused, there is a way out!!
God is able to vindicate you, restore you, and use your pain to heal others. You do not need to silently suffer, listed below are some amazing resources. Sexual abuse is NEVER your fault and you have the right to stand up for yourself.
Darkness To Light
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
National Sexual Violence Resource Center