"The Plot Thickens"
---After having sex with *Pastor R, I remember feeling very conflicted. It was confusing and I felt guilty, he was my Youth Pastor, but then again we where supposed to be getting married...
---As time progressed, the sex began more frequent, we both felt convicted and discussed the fact that we needed to stop having sex. We knew this wasn't God’s will and we needed to wait until marriage from that point on.
This didn't last very long, and we began sleeping together again. No one else knew that we were having sex. We kept it a secret. I couldn't wait to marry *Pastor R and finally begin our life together.
---As young people, we were struggling at *CPC. Though a few members did seem to care and love us, we felt judged by many of them, like some of them doubted our salvation.
*Pastor R had told me and the rest of the Youth Leadership Team about how God called him to be a pastor at a young age. Soon *Pastor R told us he had been talking to our pastor at *CPC. He claimed he didn’t really want to leave this church that had been home all his life. He loved his pastor. But he said God’s call was too strong and he needed to leave and begin a new church. Myself and two others followed his lead and with the blessing of our Senior Pastor at *CPC we assisted *Pastor R as he began is role as senior pastor of his new ministry called *New Church LLC.
---Through the years, my parents would try to tell me of people they knew who had been scammed by *Pastor R. They said he owed people money and ripped people off. They claimed he was dishonest and not who he claimed to be. But I was so in love and that was intensified by the fact that we were intimate. And *Pastor R was my pastor, I trusted him 100%. I didn’t think he would ever hurt people like that. He taught me that I should stand up for him, protect him, and back him up. So I refused to believe them. I protected him fiercely.
I thought they just hated him and what had happened when I left their house.I told them they were wrong. I thought people were mistaken, there was missing information, he was misunderstood and being persecuted. If I ever asked him about any of the rumors I heard, he would either deny it or make up some sort of excuse. He appeared to be sincere and honest. I thought he would never lie to me.
---Shortly after starting up the church, *Pastor R moved several towns over. He remained pastor of our and also helped with another church in his town.
I would drive to him almost every weekend. I would escort him around town in my car and also help him financially when he needed it. I love to help people and give whatever I can to help meet needs. And I loved *Pastor R, I would help him in any way I could. Throughout this time, we were still carrying on a sexual relationship.
And still believed that we would soon be married...
--- One day, in bed, he told me he needed to break up with me. He told me that he no longer felt that I was supposed to be his wife. He felt God was telling him I was someone else's wife and claimed that he had a dream where he believed God had shown him his wife from behind and she didn’t look like me...
Note from your Apostolic Fly Girl,
The Bible tells us that Satan's mandate, his goal, and his desire is to KILL us, to STEAL from us, and to utterly DESTROY us. He is set to accomplish this goal by ANY means necessary.
Let me be clear, God assigned us Shepard's (pastors) that they may keep watch over our souls, any form of abuse is a perversion of God's divine assignment for pastor-hood. Not all Pastor's are like the one depicted in these diary entries. In fact I believe that the majority of Pastor's and others in spiritual leadership take their calling seriously and have a genuine love for God's people.
However, if you or are experiencing or witness someone else experiencing sexual abuse or sexual exploitation at the hands of someone in leadership it is OK to SAY SOMETHING.
Here are some resources:
Darkness To Light
Suicide Prevention Lifeline
National Sexual Violence Resource Center