APOSTOLIC FLY GIRL ©2018

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Silent No More Series: "Diary of a Girl Undone" Chapter 3

April 18, 2018

 

 

Chapter 3

 "Sabotage" 

 

---WHAT??!!

 

---I was absolutely devastated and my heart was crushed. I wanted to die at one point. He was the first man I had ever been with intimately ( he told me that I was his first as well) I thought he loved me. I was so confused, depressed and hurting badly. I didn’t know how to move on.

 

---*Pastor R claimed he was so sorry. But honestly, outwardly, he didn’t appear to be taking things badly at all. He claimed that this was because he knew how to hold it together and stay strong outwardly. But he said that he was hurting inside. He told me that if it would be easier on me, he could reach out to some other pastors in the area and help me find a good fit at another church. He would give me his blessing to leave. But I didn't want to lose my church family. We were all so close.  I was honestly humiliated and heartbroken when it became public that we had broken up. I remember going over to my family’s house and crying about it while telling them. They thought I should leave the church. But I didn't. As hard as it was, I stayed.

 

---God slowly helped me to rebuild my relationships with my family. I started spending more time with them and healing started taking place. We all apologized for some things. I think we all had grown and matured in a lot of ways. They still didn't trust *Pastor R and we agreed to disagree on some things. But it was a start. We eventually reached a point where we were close again and could have good, deep conversations with each other. I felt my relationship with them was growing stronger than ever- like a bone broken then healed over.

 

--- I could never quite reconcile the fact that I loved and trusted my parents and sisters when it came to most things… I knew they loved and cared about me... But why were they so wrong about *Pastor R? I thought he was a big-hearted, generous, loving guy. Why couldn't they see this too? I desired reconciliation. My Dad tried reaching out to *Pastor R to talk, get things out, heal and move past all this. But he told me *Pastor R never responded or got back to him. I asked *Pastor R about it. But he denied ever receiving a call. I tried convincing him to reach back out to my Dad. But he didn't seem too interested. He was hesitant, put it off and wouldn't do it. Well… He had become Facebook friends with some of my family. That was a small step in the right direction. But a step nonetheless.

 

---I thought that every aspect of our relationship was over. But he (*Pastor R) soon began texting me again, missing me. I was still so in love with him and I missed him too. But it became clear that he didn't want to continue our romantic relationship and marry me after all. He just missed my body and having sex with me.I honestly did miss having sex and the intimacy I felt with him. I was also still so emotionally wrapped up in feelings for him. He still had my heart. I wanted to be close to him. So I continued to sleep with him. When we were in bed, it felt like we were together again. I didn't want to lose him. But I was trying to grasp for something that wasn't even really there.

 

 

---I wish I would've had more love and respect for myself.

 

---I would ask *Pastor R why I wasn't good enough to marry him. I would tell him I loved him. I would ask him to please marry me and make this whole thing right. I wanted us to be married so that we wouldn't continue in sin- our lovemaking would be pleasing to God. But he always had excuses as to why he couldn't or wouldn't marry me. He told me we were friends who could “help each other out” sexually.

 

---No one could see what was happening between us privately. I was the only one looking pathetic and weak. *Pastor R would tell me that I’m very emotional, and I needed to try not to get involved with him emotionally during sex. I needed to shut off my emotions during sex, like he did. I needed try to control my emotions and hide things better. I told him over and over that this was impossible for me. I couldn’t disengage my emotions during intimacy, like he could.

 

---Eventually, *Pastor R and his roommate *Josh  moved back into town. After a while, *Josh and I had grown close as friends. We were both deacons and spent a lot of time together. (He had made it known in the past that he was interested in me. But I was with Pastor at the time.) I began to think that maybe *Josh was the one for me. That maybe this was God’s will and I needed to move on from *Pastor R. So I let my guard down and felt myself developing some feelings for *Josh. *Pastor R and I talked about it as my pastor, and I soon began dating *Josh. During my relationship with him, I stopped sleeping with *Pastor R. He had begun dating someone else and I was serious about not hurting *Josh and moving on with him.

 

---Eventually, *Josh broke up with me. I couldn't really understand why and he never really gave me much of an explanation. I was hurt. But I just moved on. *Pastor R would later tell me that *Josh felt I was still in love with him (*Pastor R) and that's why he broke up with me. That surprised and confused me because I had been serious and committed to *Josh. I felt I had been serious about moving on. But I just accepted it and moved on. I soon felt my feelings for *Pastor R returning.

 


---I found out recently from *Josh, that *Pastor R played a big role in why he broke up with me. *Pastor R told *Josh that I wouldn’t make a good wife. He told him that he and I weren’t good for each other and we would eventually “cause each other to fall from God’s grace...” 

 

Note from your Apostolic Fly Girl,

 

Falling for Satan's devices is easier to do than we think. This young woman had a desire to be loved, cared for, and esteemed highly. In speaking with her I learned that many times she tried to escape. God would draw her he would convict her, but the lies and deceit captivated and blinded her. The Enemy used her capacity to love and be loved against her, as a result she fell prey to sexual exploitation. 

 

Her story is NOT uncommon, some of us may attempt to pretend that this is an isolated issue or happenstance, but I assure you IT IS NOT. I think her story is so important because we are allowed to see a glimpse of what she saw and felt. Through her transparency we can see how much like us she is. The desire to be loved is innate, it is something God gave all of us. I implore all readers not to judge her weaknesses but humbly remember that: Sin  will always take you further than you want to go.

 

 

 

 

Rainn

Darkness To Light

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

National Sexual Violence Resource Center

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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