APOSTOLIC FLY GIRL ©2018

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Silent No More Series: "Diary of a Girl Undone" Chapter 4

April 19, 2018

 

Chapter 4

"The Other Woman" 

 

 

---Meanwhile, *Pastor R and his new girlfriend moved very quickly. Soon, they were engaged. And pretty quickly after that, they were married.

 

---I was hurt. I remember sharing my feelings about everything with *Pastor R frequently.

 

---But in spite of the feelings I still had for *Pastor R, I began accepting the fact that we were finally over, for good. This was the solution. He had a relationship with his wife and would be faithful to her and satisfied with her. I would be alone in my struggle now. It would be hard and painful...but I could move forward and on with my life.

 

---Shortly into his marriage, he started texting me again. Saying how much he missed my body and what I did to him sexually. I was shocked. I told him I thought he would be satisfied now with his wife... But no... He missed me. It was wrong...but in a sick way... I ate that up. I wasn’t over him. I still loved him. He was mine first and we were soul mates.

 

---*Pastor R would tell me that he couldn't get involved with me emotionally because he had a wife. But he said he would be there for me sexually.

 

---I remember *Pastor R used to tell me (when he was married) that there's a difference between sins of the flesh and sins of the heart. Being that he couldn't get emotionally involved; just physically. According to him, somehow the physical sinning in the flesh wasn't, in a sense, "as bad" as sinning emotionally in the heart. When I would try to explain why I didn't believe that, he would tell me he knew understand, but I would learn. Of course, I couldn't stop myself from being emotionally involved. So I guess that meant my sin was greater or something...

 

---His wife and I hated each other. There was a lot of animosity and contention between us. We both struggled. I don't know exactly what he told her about us… But he claimed he told her that he and I had dated years ago and that I was having a hard time with him marrying someone else. He claimed he asked her to be sensitive in regards to me. So, outwardly, I looked like the pathetic woman who couldn't get over her husband. But she didn't see what he was doing… she didn't see how he was continuing to text me sexually explicit messages and asking me for sex. She could only see my struggle.

 

---I feel horrible that I continued to sleep with her husband. She didn't deserve that at all. I had absolutely no right. I can’t imagine what she was going through. I should have rejected *Pastor R and confessed to her and my friends in the church what was going on. But I was caught up in a vicious cycle.

 

---We had a purity service at church in 2013. I was unprepared for what was about to happen. *Pastor R placed a purity ring on every finger, male and female- except for mine. He had his wife put the ring on me. I was singled out and felt like a pathetic fool in front of everyone. I was furious and hurt. I confronted *Pastor R privately, in his office. I admittedly went off on him (I didn't curse, but I was very loud and angry.) He told me he and his wife had decided that would be best. They didn't want to indulge my “fantasy” of *Pastor R putting a wedding ring on my finger. I felt like I had been smacked in the face. That so called “fantasy” honestly hadn't even crossed my mind in regards to this ceremony. I stormed out. I was so angry and hurt. I expected him to protect me…to protect my feelings and my image... but he and his wife had embarrassed me in front of all those people. I felt degraded and humiliated. And he didn't seem to care. I couldn't understand. I almost left the church over this. But I didn't.

 

---Later on, *Pastor R punished me for my reaction to his insensitivity. I was sat down and relieved of my deaconess duties for a period of time. At the time, I was made to believe that I deserved my punishment. I felt bad that I had disrespected him and apologized. I brought it up a few times over the years, trying to explain why I was angry and hurt over it. But *Pastor R didn't seem to see anything wrong with what he did that night at the purity service and he never apologized. I honestly never got over it. I just pushed it deep down and tried not to think about it.

 

---At one point, I met a young man while visiting another church. He was a pastor’s son. We grew close. We developed feelings for each other. But we were both discouraged from dating. His pastor and my pastor both discouraged him from pursuing me. Once again… *Pastor R  didn't feel it was God’s will. I had sincere feelings and love for this man. We began to struggle, fell into temptation and began sleeping together. I had created another soul tie. We struggled from that point on. I thought we loved each other. And I was so desperate for a man to love me and care enough to pursue me and marry me… unlike *Pastor R did.

 

---After a period of time I confessed to *Pastor R. I felt so bad and guilty and almost like I had cheated on him. He wasn’t harsh about it… but he did kind of make me feel like a whore at first, honestly… But then he seemed more understanding. He admitted he was wrong too for sleeping with me while married. He forgave me. And later on that night, in bed, he kissed me, telling me that I didn't need any other man...

 

 

Note from your Apostolic Fly Girl,

 

Dear Reader,

Contrary to the information this survivor's Pastor provided, there is NO excuse for sin, physical sin IS just as bad as sins of the heart. 

"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart."-Matthew 5:28

In fact he Bible admonishes us to FLEE from ALL sin: 

Flee from sin as from the face of a serpent: for if thou comest too near it, it will bite thee: the teeth thereof are as the teeth of a lion, slaying the souls of men.”-Ecclesiastics 21:2

 

 This young woman knew that her soul was on the line and that she needed a redeemer. Stay tuned for Chapter 5 where she writes of her painful, freeing, and humbling redemption.

 

 

 

 

Rainn

Darkness To Light

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

National Sexual Violence Resource Center

 

 

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