My life feels like a vicious cycle of juggling various roles and responsibilities. I am married to my husband of almost 8 years and mother to two young children. I am the Sunday School superintendent, treasurer, and praise and worship leader at my local ministry and I work full time as a corporate accountant which can be very demanding. To top all of this off, I launched my blog/shop, Destined Initiatives, LLC in January 2018.
Someone may be inclined to ask me, “How in God’s name are you doing all of this and keeping your sanity?!”
Well, allow me to be transparent here... Sometimes I feel as though I’m very close to losing my mind. Here’s why…
Throughout the week I usually arrive home from work around 6pm but during peak times, I get home later. When I get home my house may very well look like a tornado hit it because we live a fast paced life - always in a hurry and on the go.
When we’re home, my children are OFTEN in dire need “to do something fun,” - with me - and they demand my undivided attention. That’s nearly impossible for the moment because my mind is wondering… “What can I cook for dinner so that the kids are bathed and in bed by 8:30?”
My husband works many long, stressful days on his job as CPD in the Englewood community and he’s a traveling minister as well. My honest intentions are for him come home to a peaceful retreat, a clean house, candles lit, a hot dinner that I’ve prepared, with arms wide open to lovingly receive him. Ideally, I’d have the energy and grace to be everything he needs for the moment and be mindful enough not to add to his stress with my own tiredness, overwhelm, and frustrations from my own busy day…
Everything that I’ve described is how everything should go in my mind, but I’m still trying to figure out how to do all of this consistently. When my expectations clash with my reality all the balls seem to fall to the ground because I’m thrown off kilter and feeling stressed.
Sometimes, I’m too hard on myself because I think that I should have this mom-wife-woman-life-thing figured out by now, shouldn’t I?
Other times, even as I’m burdened by my to-do list, I drop everything and adamantly force myself to go get some adult time, pampering time or whatever! I get so tired, so I yearn for a break from the timing and coordination that’s required for all of that juggling!
Those breaks never seem long enough because I constantly hear the call to pick those balls back up and start juggling again. I feel the nudge to become a better juggler than I was yesterday because I hear God whispering, “there is more that I require of you.”
At this point, I need to tap into my secret place. Yes, I spend time reading scriptures, but have I been getting a good enough draw on God’s power in the Word to help me maintain a renewed mind and keep me in perfect peace? Have I been meditating and reflecting at the level that’s beyond the milk phase? I’m not new to this, so in order for me to succeed, I need some steak of the Word…
I may have been writing in my prayer journal, but have I been getting on my knees enough to give God my undivided attention. Have I been giving him quality time and a quality presence so that I can access heaven for strategy to juggle at even greater level of excellence? There’s always room for improvement.
Have I been getting beyond prayers for me, myself, and mine to tap into the realm of intercessory prayer that will sustain the vision that I have thus far? It’s only in that realm of the Spirit where God can address the core of me. Tapping in at this level requires more sacrifice, more focus, but I’m tired because of all this stuff I have to do!
Being tired is never an excuse for not getting what I need in the presence of God. That’s an issue of priorities… If I’m going to be that woman of strength, patience, love, and creativity, then I can’t be willy nillying this thing. I pretty much need to be in God’s grill ALL the time to get clarity on how to make all of this juggling happen with grace.
I realize that as a woman of faith, the consistency in my roles and responsibilities is a testament of my faith in Jesus Christ. I can’t be out here professing His name and power and my life is utter chaos, right?
If I’m repping well, then the fruit of my faith is supposed to be abundant and overflowing… Peace, stability, innovation, legacy is supposed to follow me everywhere I go.
But let’s bring that black ball of reality back into the juggle… Sometimes, I reach those moments where I get weary in my well doing and “I just can’t anymore!” I feel like shutting down, crying out loud, snapping off on everyone, or flying up out of the country (by myself).
But then it dawns on me that I need to slow down and take a closer look at things.
I clearly need to love on me more, but that’s not the root of what I’m lacking… At some point, I got off track and I started getting comfortable at my current level of juggling. Then God shakes things up to get my attention and I hear Him whisper again “there is more that I require of you.”
I then see how God is trying to point me to something new. There is yet another ball that needs to fit into the routine, but this ball is different. This is the one that makes all the other roles and responsibilities count even more…
My whole story of juggling may sound like a bunch of first world problems…
Because in my same neighborhood there’s probably a woman that’s been beaten up by her husband and their children were first hand witnesses of it all.
There are most likely parents, not too far from where I live, that are both entangled in drug abuse and their poor children are next in line for that generational curse.
Across the globe, there’s a young girl or boy that’s been sold into the sex trade and their parents got the money in return.
There’s a father who lost his earthly treasures and now feels empty enough to take his own life because he doesn’t feel any sort of worth to count up for himself.
There’s a girl who’s been raped and she compensates for the worthlessness she feels with time and attention from lustful spirits that she attracts by promoting the natural curves of her body.
It makes me want to repent from even highlighting my struggles, but “hello?!” my struggle is real. I know that I’ve got to keep juggling, better than I did yesterday, better than what my own eyes see as possibility. I’ve got to keep everything in the air and circling as it should because I realize that my story is connected to all of these REAL tragic stories, somehow, someway.
Through my whole process I’ve learned that there are two key things that help me connect to where I need to be so that I can juggle all those balls like a pro. I’ve got to keep it all covered with love and integrity.
Love is going to keep me praying and striving for perfection. It’s the character of love that helps me stretch beyond what’s comfortable and feeling good to me. Love is going to push me passed my weariness, my fears of failure, and my insecurities.
The love in me is going to hiss at the need to pretend like everything in my life is pretty and perfectly coordinated because again this juggle is about LOVE. The love in me is reaching out to real people with real issues, in light of my own struggles and imperfections to let them know that they’re not alone. You can find me ranting, “If I can make it, you can make it too, you can get through this, and we’ll be overcomers together!”
Integrity keeps me grounded to be true to my commitment to God to seek Him and the Kingdom first in all things. Without integrity I’d be all about me, myself, and I and selfishness leaves no room for love.
By now, I would’ve quit this juggling thing a long time ago, but love and integrity keeps me pushing to hear what God has to say about that “more,” that new ball that He’s requiring. Integrity humbles me to submit to God, rather than giving up, so that He can turn my pain and struggles into purpose.
Here’s the beauty in all of this… My juggle in love, integrity, AND transparency is the perfect combination and it’s exactly what God uses to connect all the balls in the rhythm of His greater plan.
The New Ball
The new addition to my family in 2018 was Destined Initiatives. Trust me, it’s a whole process working this baby into our family because of how fast and close I have to juggle everything else. But I know that I have to operate in God’s grace to make sure that she fits comfortably because she’s seed from Heaven.
Through Destined Initiatives, I coach women how to navigate through internal/external battles through intimacy with God. I teach Biblical principles to help women find purpose and fulfillment and walk into destiny to experience the promises of God.
I may not ever get a chance to talk to the woman that was beaten by her husband. I wish I could speak life to the masses of women that were sexually abused. Those children with the threat of generational curses from their parents need hope for another way of life, but I may not be the one to give it to them.
One thing that I can do is stay faithful to the vision that I have for my life and for Destined Initiatives because it has the potential to reach the ones that are beaten up from spiritual warfare, caught up in the rat race, and sleeping in on their purpose.
By my faith in Jesus and not by my sight, I will juggle relentlessly and I’ll sow those seeds through blogs, through social media posts, through those unpublished books in my belly, through my spoken words. I promise you that I will give God something to work with so that He can do the increase. God is going to reach someone from my prayers, my labor of love, and my commitment to the Kingdom. Somehow, some way the Gospel will reach that man, woman, boy, and girl.
I take personal accountability in tragedies like that, so I have to operate in love and integrity to do it, but I always remember that my first ministry is always going to be home first.
Knowing this helps me stay true to the godly order and hierarchy of things. The well being of my home is the foundation of my success and determines the span of reach that my voice achieves. Home keeps me on my toes and the tragedies that I hear of inspires me to keep on practicing my juggling skills…
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