My Story.........................The Birth and Rise of GREAT Awesomeness Now let’s rewind back 30 plus years or so. (This what I remember, I still have a lot of suppressed memories)
I was born to a mentally ill mother who was never treated or was even diagnosis properly so I endured various forms of abuse that have left residual side effects, even up until the present day such as social anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. I was afraid of my mom literally up until the day she passed away, which was in 2001.
Age 2 I was burnt with boiling hot water and suffered 3rd-degree burns over my entire body.
Age 7 was my 1st psychiatric inpatient hospitalization for severe depression, which was really due to being withheld food (my mother literally locked the fridge because she said I ate too much) I was often beaten in my sleep if I "acted out" and told often how "Evil" I was. I was very quiet and withdrawn as a child and always tried to not be seen or heard, so no one knew anything.I never told anyone what was happening to me, not even the doctors at the hospital, because I thought I was bad and deserved it.
Age 12 I was admitted again for depression and suicidal idealizations, ( I was angry, confused and hurt) and really just wanted to die, because at this point I was afraid to go to sleep or do anything that would upset my mother and cause her to harm. I never heard, I love you, received hugs, kisses or affection of any sort. I eventually started running away to get some relief from my home life.
Ages 13-14 While out in the streets I was gang-raped by 7-10 guys, I was beaten and thrown through the wall for trying to escape, this lead me to drinking alcohol heavily at the age of 13.
Finally, at the age of 14, I entered the group home, where my life started to improve. I received 3 meals a day, got to shower and was allowed to breathe and be a child again
Age 17 I got pregnant with my first son, by a guy that I thought cared for me because he showed me attention and said kind words. That eventually turned sour really quickly, as I soon realized he was manipulative and a liar, so I left that relationship but decided to keep my son.
Age 18 I got into a physically abusive relationship that lasted for approximately a year. I thought I deserved it because I was told I had a smart mouth. So he would abuse me sexually and physically to keep me in line, as he put it.
Age 19 I aged out the group home and actually tried to move back home with my mother who didn’t want me. I had nowhere else to go I moved in with my oldest son's grandmother and with some encouragement and support from her got up enough courage to leave the abusive relationship and never looked back.
Age 20 I finally found true love (or so I thought at the time) when I met my 2nd & 3rd son's father, we became friends and eventually started dating and got married the next year The first year of the marriage was great up until I found out he was unfaithful and so began the emotional abuse...
Age 21 until Age 33 I literally spent most of my adulthood in an abusive unhappy relationship trying to prove my love.l discovered the first infidelity by being told I had a few STD’s, (one of which was incurable) when I went to my routine gynecologist appointment. I chose to stay because I was always told: “no one would want my crazy a%#, because I was too messed up” and so I believed if I was a little less messed up he wouldn’t cheat. This cycle of emotional abuse went on for my entire marriage, he had many different mistresses, he would also leave for days and sometimes months at a time and had a few children during the course of our marriage.
Finally, at the age of 33, I took my Life back after my oldest son who was 14yrs old at the time asked me: Why did I keep taking his Dad back when he’s going to keep doing the same thing? That really hurt me to the core, because I realized I was putting my babies in harm's way, by allowing them to see their Mom being abused and not taking a stand. So made a decision to divorce my husband and file for child support and finally start learning how to love me.
The abuse I endured for most of my childhood lead me to believe I deserved being abused because I felt unworthy and unloved which in turn kept me in a vicious cycle of abuse. It wasn't until I established a personal relationship with Christ a few years ago that I started to believe differently.
The Emotional Abuse has been the worst for me because no one can see the scars and the residual side effects run deep. It’s hard at times to trust people and I fight daily with the spirit of rejection and low self-esteem. I have been on many forms of depression medication intermittently from age 7 until 25 and I’ve abused alcohol for 23 years to wash away the pain. I was even been promiscuous after my divorce for fear of falling back into an abusive relationship, so I chose to just sleep with guys and "never give my heart." Now I manage my depression and anxiety with a healthy well balanced, active and positive faith-filled lifestyle and counseling.
NOW, I have made it my life's mission to help others who have gone through Trauma and Abuse starting living their Best-Healed Life by way of Coaching, Speaking, Writing books and Creating a healing Conference.
Note from your Apostolic Fly Girl,
What I absolutely LOVE about Listiner's story is that she answers so many questions people pose to survivors such as: Why did you stay? or Why didn't you see the signs?
Many people don't realize that childhood neglect and trauma has mental and physical ramifications that follow many of us into adulthood. A whopping more than 51% of adults abused as children are experience Domestic Violence in later life.
Listner is on Social Media, to learn connect with or learn more about Listiner Martinez's endeavors select one of the links below:
LinkedIn- Listiner Martinez
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