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She Looks Like Me: Part 1- Words CAN Hurt Me

October 7, 2019

Here is a story that not a lot of people know or think would happen to me... not even myself thought I'd get wrapped up in the not so glorious side of love.

 

Quick back story on me: I came from what I've always thought a decent childhood, had my own trials and tribulations but nothing that screamed abuse like you think when you hear those words.

While my mother barely made it into "middle class" I never felt I missed out on life. Plus she had always instilled in me to never have to rely on anyone but myself. As a result I grew up pretty independent, worked hard, had some self esteem issues but I was confident for the most part. 

 

At the time that I met, the man we shall call *Marcus, I was 31, finally finishing up college and just started a new job (after 13 years for the same company), I was living with a male friend working on paying off debt and getting my own place and just tired of "casually dating". I was ready for a serious relationship,  to have a family and really start in a career that was fulfilling. 

 

I used a dating app, because I've always been that person to try almost anything once (or more!), and found *Marcus. He was almost too good to be true... same sense of humor, tall, his own place (and car), career, kids but no "baby mama drama"- we had the time of our lives the 1st time we met in person.. he was actually my back-up date! 

 

Looking back I know where things started to go wrong and where I could have potentially saved myself almost 5 years of verbal and emotional abuse and the very occasional physical abuse I encountered. But in the beginning, all the good times outweighed the bad times and I let myself become trapped in a cycle.

 

It started with small things- like not having the respect to show up to functions I had planned on time. But if I was late to something then I'd get an earful. He would make small comparisons to previous relationships ex.-"all the girls I dated before dressed dope and did their hair and make up all the time." Or would ask me questions like "Who are you texting?"

"Who is that on the phone?" or "Did you post us on social media?"

If I asked the same things I'd get a "stop being nosy" or "insecure" or "I don't need to tag you, people already know we are together, you're my girl." This went on, not all at once but here and there until it was almost a regular thing.

 

I started to try to do everything, but be who I was when he met me. I tried to make him happy in order to make sure I measured up to who he wanted me to be. This behavior was NOT my norm and friends and family began to question me and ask if I was ok.

 

He and I started the whole "I'm breaking up with you" just for a fight to ensue then we "make-up" with an often emotional talk that left me crying and feeling I needed to be better and do better in the relationship.

 

There was love and laughs and promises of things to come and what a power couple we would be... I held onto these words and "promises" with the utmost desire to achieve them no matter what..couples have fights, right? It's work to be in a relationship and marriage, right? WRONG!! Not the way we fought- we name called, we had physical altercations, he kept a camera in the living room so he would see who I brought into "his" place though I lived there and paid bills too. He would go out until morning hours (7am-10am wasn't unusual time from coming home from a night of drinking)... it was constantly me trying to make sure I didn't upset him and that I was the "perfect" partner.

A note from your Apostolic Fly Girl,

 

I have personally experienced verbal and emotional abuse. After my wounds healed, the mental repercussion of emotional abuse left me feeling worthless, suicidal, and broken. I was raised to believe that seeking therapy was ungodly however, it took the power of God to help me see otherwise.

I say that to say this, if you have experienced short-term/long-term verbal abuse it is your responsibility to take care of your mental health by any means necessary.

 

Beloved, I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth. - 3 John 1:2

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